Okay, open the front door and walk into the world.

I went to a 'meetup' brunch with "ladies over 50" - and as corny as that sounds, it was actually a lot of fun.  Didn't know anyone going in, but now feel as if I have a few more friends.  It's not in the least shallow, I mean yea, it is a bit - you only begin to know the surface stuff about people.  But, it's a start.  And, to state the obvious, a start is just the beginning.

When my husband, Alan, died, I didn't know what to do.  We moved around a lot for either my job or his job or just because (we were both military brats, and thought nothing about packing up and seeing what was over the hill).  Anyhoo - - due to moving around a lot, we didn't have friends except each other.  Just us.  We did everything together, and we liked it that way.  I didn't need anyone else, so I lost the ability, the desire, and the gumption to go out and make friends after he died..  But, even then, I knew I would need something more when the haze of grief lifted.

So, being the reader and researcher I am, I bought a ton of books on widows, grieving, how to live alone, how to travel alone, etc.  A couple were so outrageous that I would throw them across the room.  I mean, seriously, some advice out there is really inane.  But, I do remember one book that talked about living alone in middle age.  It mentioned the importance of having good friends, and keeping a social circle so that you have people that you can talk to, people to have a meal with, people to laugh with, just people.  Do you have to be a couple to have closeness and fun and love in your life?  No, not really - - -

BUT, and this is a big but, it sure would be nice to have someone completely in my corner, someone who has my back, someone who rubs feet, listens, and when you are not well - fixes dinner for you. 

I watch the people that have been married a long time, and many (the happy ones anyway) have their own language, looks, and lean a bit towards each other in pictures.  That's what I miss - coming home to someone who gets you, who is there for you and who accepts you. 

I miss that.

So, as I look to the future, I am trying to accept the fact that I will probably never have that again. Statistically, it's not in the cards (I have 40 to lose, remember? - well actually 38 now) - and accepting the fact that I will probably be alone for the rest of my life is difficult.

So, I ask you - is that so bad?  Being alone but surviving?