Okay - I have been trying online dating sites. I had tried Chemistry and was scammed. The only reason I was suspicious with someone online at first was because a new friend had been through a similar experience, so I learned to investigate and research more thoroughly. Then she told me about another and I tried there with MANY misgivings, but it was adventure and fun and I honestly expected NO results. So, armed with new found knowledge of the dangers lurking there and the tools to combat the scammers, I gave it a try. Unfortunately, I couldn't spot charming, witty married guys in time to get the hell away.
He's the first person I've met in the last - oh - 100 years or so that got to me. We talked a LOT online, talking about everything. We met, and it was instant chemistry. Oh it's not EVERYTHING but somehow I was convincing myself that it was close - very close. Did I know he was married when we started really talking? No. Did I get out after I found out? No again. However, I really thought we could be email and IM buds. That we could be friends - no emotional involvement, he could give me advice on dating.
What I didn't count on was his persuasiveness and persistence and constant barrage of charm, wittiness, intelligence, ATTENTION, acceptance of any physical unattractiveness that I felt.
So, yes, I caved - or went along willingly - being wanted is a powerful argument to break down any misgivings I might have had. And OMG, I've never experienced anything like it. I've always had a hard time relaxing enough to let go - trust issues, body image issues, time - but this time - I trusted him physically and was able to let go enough to - - , well you know. Not all the time, no. But periodically and that was indeed rare for me.
I keep trying to back out of this relationship in my more lucid moments, but get pulled back in - whether it is genuine feelings or need for attention and confirmation that is provided, I'm not sure. But one thing I do know is that I do not like not being important enough in his life and not really mattering enough.
This is not a situation where he will fall for me and leave his wife. He loves his life with his wife - he's had a background that she helped him escape and provided him the only stability. So, why does he look elsewhere? And why does he want a full connection with me if he is happy? He pushes for intimacy with me - loves coming over to my house, feels "comfortable" here, loves spending time with me. So, this creates a huge puzzle that I can't seem to solve. And this is only part of the problem.
He only lives in this area part of the time - so he is gone now. We have been communicating 3-4 times a day for 3 solid months - that's a lot of intense communication and attention. Now, he is gone. I don't know what to do. I miss the connection, I miss him sleeping over when he could, I miss snuggling on the porch, I miss talking to him, I miss him like my arm. And I HATE this. I survived the loss of my husband, and know that I will survive this, but it just hurts.
Oh, he will be back. He will want to come back and step back into what we've had the last 3 months. But I've got to be careful with this - what didn't I like? Okay, even he told me this, but he has a HUGE ego. He is flawed - he is selfish. Hell, he has to be in order to want me and still want his life. And yet - and yet - - - I want him as well. But is this enough? What does that say about me that I accept this half relationship? Do I not respect myself or love myself enough? Honestly don't know.
On one hand, at my age, this is probably the very last time I will have this type of experience. A last fling - the last sexual experience. I am seeing other men, but only as friends and when he is around, not very often as he takes up so much of my time and energy and thoughts. He was alone the last 3 weeks and we spent a LOT of time together. And now I am paying for it - because I let down my guard that I built up of contentment with being alone and he snuck in - and now, I am not as content to be alone, yet I am. Isn't it all ironic?
So, am working on building up walls again. I loved being part of a couple, even if it was all smoke and mirrors. He always told me that we don't know what life provides, that we don't know what God has planned for us, that there is no point in projecting into the future. Easy to say when your future is pretty set as it is for him. Problem is, my future alone is set as well, and I'm not crazy about that - so I wished for a different one for a while.
I just guess I'll be sad for awhile - and hope the next time, if there is one, that I'll be able to be just as open and trusting as I was this last time.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Online Romance Scams
I'm pretty sure I was on the road to someone making an attempt to scam me.
Gullible - silly - if it's too good to be true, then it is.
I met this guy on line and he was believable - wait, no he really wasn't - I just wanted to believe. Here I am talking about the joys of independence and the first guy with flowery phrases and talking about destiny that comes along, and I put aside common sense and questions and go for it.
I mean, I did question and I did do some research, but I still did not listen to my insides saying "wait a minute here - really?". So for the first time in 10 years, I felt hope. You know, that little feathery thing that sits on your shoulder. Hope is insidious, it creeps up on you. It gives a bounce to your step, and it gets the insides quivering.
So, I thought - cool. Someone that has the potential of caring - I should have known better. But, I didn't. And now he is blocked, all safeguards are up, and I'm not devastated. I'm not happy about it, but I'm not down. I've learned a valuable lesson.
That even if the person I thought might care - well, he helped me to care about myself again. A true gift. I awoke and am more alive. Even if nothing ever happens with anyone who is real, even if those possibilities are forever closed to me - I am here, I am alive, I have hope for a fuller life. Even if that life is alone.
So, don't fall for a scammer that preys on lonely women - or lonely men for that matter. But take it to heart that you are valuable, that you are worthy of love, that there is hope - - - - -
Gullible - silly - if it's too good to be true, then it is.
I met this guy on line and he was believable - wait, no he really wasn't - I just wanted to believe. Here I am talking about the joys of independence and the first guy with flowery phrases and talking about destiny that comes along, and I put aside common sense and questions and go for it.
I mean, I did question and I did do some research, but I still did not listen to my insides saying "wait a minute here - really?". So for the first time in 10 years, I felt hope. You know, that little feathery thing that sits on your shoulder. Hope is insidious, it creeps up on you. It gives a bounce to your step, and it gets the insides quivering.
So, I thought - cool. Someone that has the potential of caring - I should have known better. But, I didn't. And now he is blocked, all safeguards are up, and I'm not devastated. I'm not happy about it, but I'm not down. I've learned a valuable lesson.
That even if the person I thought might care - well, he helped me to care about myself again. A true gift. I awoke and am more alive. Even if nothing ever happens with anyone who is real, even if those possibilities are forever closed to me - I am here, I am alive, I have hope for a fuller life. Even if that life is alone.
So, don't fall for a scammer that preys on lonely women - or lonely men for that matter. But take it to heart that you are valuable, that you are worthy of love, that there is hope - - - - -
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
When are you too old for romance?
I've been communicating with this bloke online, and it gets intense at times. We talk about what we want out of a relationship, what our expectations are, what we envision of the future with someone. But, holy crap, I'm OLD - although I have to admit, I am feeling less so since I started communicating with him.
It is scary, though, communicating with someone that you really don't know - it's taking a huge leap of faith - on both sides. I mean, he doesn't know me either.
So, how fast do you let it go? How quickly do you proceed? He seems more romantic, and it is quick. Is it my cautious nature kicking in, or is it just his nature? I mean, at our age, we could be dead tomorrow :)
So, does one just go with the flow and have some fun? He doesn't even live in the same city - and that could be a good thing right now. After all, still working on those extra pounds - - - doing well though.
But, I guess I'm wondering - - - - is it silly? I don't have the stamina or the body I used to have. I have tons of wrinkles, drooping parts, hair popping out in inappropriate places - - - - he's the same age, but men age differently. So, it is silly to be this age and have hope for romance?
After 10 years of being alone, all of a sudden I have hope for a better future than has been presented to me after Alan died. And that is what scares me the most - hope.
When you lose someone who was your world, and lose them extremely suddenly - - - - after the dust settles and the mist clears, you realize that this is it. I'll be alone for the rest of my years. But then, something happens and you start to have hope again. That's what is bothering me, I guess. To have hope for a future again, and to go through that pain again if it doesn't work out. I barely survived the first time.
Hope is scary - taking that leap of faith is scary - - - - - - but even more scary is not taking that chance.
It is scary, though, communicating with someone that you really don't know - it's taking a huge leap of faith - on both sides. I mean, he doesn't know me either.
So, how fast do you let it go? How quickly do you proceed? He seems more romantic, and it is quick. Is it my cautious nature kicking in, or is it just his nature? I mean, at our age, we could be dead tomorrow :)
So, does one just go with the flow and have some fun? He doesn't even live in the same city - and that could be a good thing right now. After all, still working on those extra pounds - - - doing well though.
But, I guess I'm wondering - - - - is it silly? I don't have the stamina or the body I used to have. I have tons of wrinkles, drooping parts, hair popping out in inappropriate places - - - - he's the same age, but men age differently. So, it is silly to be this age and have hope for romance?
After 10 years of being alone, all of a sudden I have hope for a better future than has been presented to me after Alan died. And that is what scares me the most - hope.
When you lose someone who was your world, and lose them extremely suddenly - - - - after the dust settles and the mist clears, you realize that this is it. I'll be alone for the rest of my years. But then, something happens and you start to have hope again. That's what is bothering me, I guess. To have hope for a future again, and to go through that pain again if it doesn't work out. I barely survived the first time.
Hope is scary - taking that leap of faith is scary - - - - - - but even more scary is not taking that chance.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Expectations can be demoralizing
Okay, I rather feel like an old fool, but I did have some hope and expectations about truthfulness and no-game-playing from the one person I met online. Perhaps I am gullible, but it all sounded so honest and true.
But, I guess it wasn't - haven't heard from him in 3 days. Is that a long time or a short time? I don't know. I haven't done this in such a very long time, and when you grow up moving around as much as I did, you tend to form relationships quickly. After all, you never know when you're going to move again, so you don't dither about - you jump in. So, we military brats tend to make decisions quickly and assess people (sometimes incorrectly) quickly as well.
Perhaps my expectations were too high. I really do have a life - well, a little one - and am actually working on gathering statistics for budgets right now and it's 9:30 PM. Okay, I guess that means that I don't have a life.
Heavy sigh.
Give it up girl, ain't gonna happen.
Love is elusive and be damn grateful you knew it for awhile - - - - - but still sad tonight amongst my numbers - - -
But, I guess it wasn't - haven't heard from him in 3 days. Is that a long time or a short time? I don't know. I haven't done this in such a very long time, and when you grow up moving around as much as I did, you tend to form relationships quickly. After all, you never know when you're going to move again, so you don't dither about - you jump in. So, we military brats tend to make decisions quickly and assess people (sometimes incorrectly) quickly as well.
Perhaps my expectations were too high. I really do have a life - well, a little one - and am actually working on gathering statistics for budgets right now and it's 9:30 PM. Okay, I guess that means that I don't have a life.
Heavy sigh.
Give it up girl, ain't gonna happen.
Love is elusive and be damn grateful you knew it for awhile - - - - - but still sad tonight amongst my numbers - - -
Monday, March 12, 2012
Okay, open the front door and walk into the world.
I went to a 'meetup' brunch with "ladies over 50" - and as corny as that sounds, it was actually a lot of fun. Didn't know anyone going in, but now feel as if I have a few more friends. It's not in the least shallow, I mean yea, it is a bit - you only begin to know the surface stuff about people. But, it's a start. And, to state the obvious, a start is just the beginning.
When my husband, Alan, died, I didn't know what to do. We moved around a lot for either my job or his job or just because (we were both military brats, and thought nothing about packing up and seeing what was over the hill). Anyhoo - - due to moving around a lot, we didn't have friends except each other. Just us. We did everything together, and we liked it that way. I didn't need anyone else, so I lost the ability, the desire, and the gumption to go out and make friends after he died.. But, even then, I knew I would need something more when the haze of grief lifted.
So, being the reader and researcher I am, I bought a ton of books on widows, grieving, how to live alone, how to travel alone, etc. A couple were so outrageous that I would throw them across the room. I mean, seriously, some advice out there is really inane. But, I do remember one book that talked about living alone in middle age. It mentioned the importance of having good friends, and keeping a social circle so that you have people that you can talk to, people to have a meal with, people to laugh with, just people. Do you have to be a couple to have closeness and fun and love in your life? No, not really - - -
BUT, and this is a big but, it sure would be nice to have someone completely in my corner, someone who has my back, someone who rubs feet, listens, and when you are not well - fixes dinner for you.
I watch the people that have been married a long time, and many (the happy ones anyway) have their own language, looks, and lean a bit towards each other in pictures. That's what I miss - coming home to someone who gets you, who is there for you and who accepts you.
I miss that.
So, as I look to the future, I am trying to accept the fact that I will probably never have that again. Statistically, it's not in the cards (I have 40 to lose, remember? - well actually 38 now) - and accepting the fact that I will probably be alone for the rest of my life is difficult.
So, I ask you - is that so bad? Being alone but surviving?
When my husband, Alan, died, I didn't know what to do. We moved around a lot for either my job or his job or just because (we were both military brats, and thought nothing about packing up and seeing what was over the hill). Anyhoo - - due to moving around a lot, we didn't have friends except each other. Just us. We did everything together, and we liked it that way. I didn't need anyone else, so I lost the ability, the desire, and the gumption to go out and make friends after he died.. But, even then, I knew I would need something more when the haze of grief lifted.
So, being the reader and researcher I am, I bought a ton of books on widows, grieving, how to live alone, how to travel alone, etc. A couple were so outrageous that I would throw them across the room. I mean, seriously, some advice out there is really inane. But, I do remember one book that talked about living alone in middle age. It mentioned the importance of having good friends, and keeping a social circle so that you have people that you can talk to, people to have a meal with, people to laugh with, just people. Do you have to be a couple to have closeness and fun and love in your life? No, not really - - -
BUT, and this is a big but, it sure would be nice to have someone completely in my corner, someone who has my back, someone who rubs feet, listens, and when you are not well - fixes dinner for you.
I watch the people that have been married a long time, and many (the happy ones anyway) have their own language, looks, and lean a bit towards each other in pictures. That's what I miss - coming home to someone who gets you, who is there for you and who accepts you.
I miss that.
So, as I look to the future, I am trying to accept the fact that I will probably never have that again. Statistically, it's not in the cards (I have 40 to lose, remember? - well actually 38 now) - and accepting the fact that I will probably be alone for the rest of my life is difficult.
So, I ask you - is that so bad? Being alone but surviving?
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Meeting people online
This is really hard to admit, but I have resorted to my laptop to try to meet people. First of all, I don't really know if I want to - I mean, I do, but I don't. I have some family here, work friends, wonderful neighbors and a few other friends. So am I lacking anything? Not really, but - - - -
We all need some closeness with someone. Someone who will listen to you rant and rave about your boss for the 100th time, or someone with whom you can just be totally yourself, wrinkles (I am not totally hung up on wrinkles, I swear), age spots and all. Who would do that except someone who loves you?
So, I went online and posted a lame picture - seriously lame - and wrote a few lines pretty much saying how I was happy now, but would like friendship and perhaps companionship. Like totally passive-aggressive. Like, I dare anyone to think I was desperate - I mean, I'm not, right? Oh crap.
Well, anyway, I had a few responses. One from someone who posed naked, I guess. It's a head shot, but obviously not wearing a shirt, so you would assume the rest, right? Seriously. Then one from someone who, after I stupidly gave out my personal e-mail address, was either dropped or dropped out of the online service. I'm thinking, OMG, I'm going to be killed!
Well, we have been communicating a bit. Not bad, he seems nice, but - and this is a big but - he doesn't seem to be available to chat via messenger (his idea) any evenings (when I am available) nor week-ends (also when I am available). Red flags, right? So, I really do not know what to think. Says he is a widow, moved to the States from Italy, etc. I hate being lied to and try to assume the best of everyone, but I'm thinking that makes me uber-gullible.
So I did some research and found some wonderful pieces about how to do this stuff. Some sites suggest that - and I quote - if you have that 20 pounds to lose, do it before you go looking! What's with that? Yea, I know I have 40, and am working on it, but I am working on it for myself (more about my vegan journey later) and no one else. Why do we have to have the socially acceptable body to be found interesting and attractive? Perhaps the old high-school jocks will pass you up, but who cares? I mean, are we all to be judged by only our appearance? If it is still that much of a jungle out there, then I'm not really sure it is worth it.
We all need some closeness with someone. Someone who will listen to you rant and rave about your boss for the 100th time, or someone with whom you can just be totally yourself, wrinkles (I am not totally hung up on wrinkles, I swear), age spots and all. Who would do that except someone who loves you?
So, I went online and posted a lame picture - seriously lame - and wrote a few lines pretty much saying how I was happy now, but would like friendship and perhaps companionship. Like totally passive-aggressive. Like, I dare anyone to think I was desperate - I mean, I'm not, right? Oh crap.
Well, anyway, I had a few responses. One from someone who posed naked, I guess. It's a head shot, but obviously not wearing a shirt, so you would assume the rest, right? Seriously. Then one from someone who, after I stupidly gave out my personal e-mail address, was either dropped or dropped out of the online service. I'm thinking, OMG, I'm going to be killed!
Well, we have been communicating a bit. Not bad, he seems nice, but - and this is a big but - he doesn't seem to be available to chat via messenger (his idea) any evenings (when I am available) nor week-ends (also when I am available). Red flags, right? So, I really do not know what to think. Says he is a widow, moved to the States from Italy, etc. I hate being lied to and try to assume the best of everyone, but I'm thinking that makes me uber-gullible.
So I did some research and found some wonderful pieces about how to do this stuff. Some sites suggest that - and I quote - if you have that 20 pounds to lose, do it before you go looking! What's with that? Yea, I know I have 40, and am working on it, but I am working on it for myself (more about my vegan journey later) and no one else. Why do we have to have the socially acceptable body to be found interesting and attractive? Perhaps the old high-school jocks will pass you up, but who cares? I mean, are we all to be judged by only our appearance? If it is still that much of a jungle out there, then I'm not really sure it is worth it.
Friday, March 9, 2012
OMG - I'm Old and alone! Now what?
Life's a journey - - - - -
I didn't anticipate being single, but I have been for the last 10 years after my husband died unexpectedly. At first, I was so numb that it was difficult to think. Then, I managed to make a life for myself - content, but now am wondering if this is all? Is this it for the rest of my life?
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
So, I am looking around at how people cope being alone and - OMG - not being young. Well maybe not just not young, but older. I hate that word - older. But, as much as I have arrived kicking and screaming into my 60's, it's happened. It's here and I am NOT loving every wrinkled moment of it.
When we think about getting older, don't we all imagine that it will be just fine as we have our partners there who accept us through all the scars, phobias, health issues, complaints, and - yes - wrinkles?
When that support base is taken away, then we only have a few choices:
Carrie
I didn't anticipate being single, but I have been for the last 10 years after my husband died unexpectedly. At first, I was so numb that it was difficult to think. Then, I managed to make a life for myself - content, but now am wondering if this is all? Is this it for the rest of my life?
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
So, I am looking around at how people cope being alone and - OMG - not being young. Well maybe not just not young, but older. I hate that word - older. But, as much as I have arrived kicking and screaming into my 60's, it's happened. It's here and I am NOT loving every wrinkled moment of it.
When we think about getting older, don't we all imagine that it will be just fine as we have our partners there who accept us through all the scars, phobias, health issues, complaints, and - yes - wrinkles?
When that support base is taken away, then we only have a few choices:
- accept our single fate, stop the wrinkle cream, banish the botox, bring out the sweats, take chocolate out of the hiding place, eat in front of the TV and watch every chic-flic available, or
- try to get back into the dating world with all of its pitfalls, downfalls, upsides and lowsides, or
- reach out to the world in other ways. After all, life is not all about having a partner, it can be fulfilling in many other ways.
Carrie
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