Okay - I have been trying online dating sites. I had tried Chemistry and was scammed. The only reason I was suspicious with someone online at first was because a new friend had been through a similar experience, so I learned to investigate and research more thoroughly. Then she told me about another and I tried there with MANY misgivings, but it was adventure and fun and I honestly expected NO results. So, armed with new found knowledge of the dangers lurking there and the tools to combat the scammers, I gave it a try. Unfortunately, I couldn't spot charming, witty married guys in time to get the hell away.
He's the first person I've met in the last - oh - 100 years or so that got to me. We talked a LOT online, talking about everything. We met, and it was instant chemistry. Oh it's not EVERYTHING but somehow I was convincing myself that it was close - very close. Did I know he was married when we started really talking? No. Did I get out after I found out? No again. However, I really thought we could be email and IM buds. That we could be friends - no emotional involvement, he could give me advice on dating.
What I didn't count on was his persuasiveness and persistence and constant barrage of charm, wittiness, intelligence, ATTENTION, acceptance of any physical unattractiveness that I felt.
So, yes, I caved - or went along willingly - being wanted is a powerful argument to break down any misgivings I might have had. And OMG, I've never experienced anything like it. I've always had a hard time relaxing enough to let go - trust issues, body image issues, time - but this time - I trusted him physically and was able to let go enough to - - , well you know. Not all the time, no. But periodically and that was indeed rare for me.
I keep trying to back out of this relationship in my more lucid moments, but get pulled back in - whether it is genuine feelings or need for attention and confirmation that is provided, I'm not sure. But one thing I do know is that I do not like not being important enough in his life and not really mattering enough.
This is not a situation where he will fall for me and leave his wife. He loves his life with his wife - he's had a background that she helped him escape and provided him the only stability. So, why does he look elsewhere? And why does he want a full connection with me if he is happy? He pushes for intimacy with me - loves coming over to my house, feels "comfortable" here, loves spending time with me. So, this creates a huge puzzle that I can't seem to solve. And this is only part of the problem.
He only lives in this area part of the time - so he is gone now. We have been communicating 3-4 times a day for 3 solid months - that's a lot of intense communication and attention. Now, he is gone. I don't know what to do. I miss the connection, I miss him sleeping over when he could, I miss snuggling on the porch, I miss talking to him, I miss him like my arm. And I HATE this. I survived the loss of my husband, and know that I will survive this, but it just hurts.
Oh, he will be back. He will want to come back and step back into what we've had the last 3 months. But I've got to be careful with this - what didn't I like? Okay, even he told me this, but he has a HUGE ego. He is flawed - he is selfish. Hell, he has to be in order to want me and still want his life. And yet - and yet - - - I want him as well. But is this enough? What does that say about me that I accept this half relationship? Do I not respect myself or love myself enough? Honestly don't know.
On one hand, at my age, this is probably the very last time I will have this type of experience. A last fling - the last sexual experience. I am seeing other men, but only as friends and when he is around, not very often as he takes up so much of my time and energy and thoughts. He was alone the last 3 weeks and we spent a LOT of time together. And now I am paying for it - because I let down my guard that I built up of contentment with being alone and he snuck in - and now, I am not as content to be alone, yet I am. Isn't it all ironic?
So, am working on building up walls again. I loved being part of a couple, even if it was all smoke and mirrors. He always told me that we don't know what life provides, that we don't know what God has planned for us, that there is no point in projecting into the future. Easy to say when your future is pretty set as it is for him. Problem is, my future alone is set as well, and I'm not crazy about that - so I wished for a different one for a while.
I just guess I'll be sad for awhile - and hope the next time, if there is one, that I'll be able to be just as open and trusting as I was this last time.
